2017 has not been kind to me. I’ve loved, I lost. I’ve grown and 2017 has changed me. I don’t feel like the same person I was only a few months ago. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hurt people I never meant to. 2017 has taught me about maturity. It’s taught me to be more mature. To recognize immaturity in others. It’s taught me to be guarded in friendships. Simply put, not everyone is your friend, not everyone wishes you well. There are people who will smile in your face to only be a jealous wreck behind your back. And even when you kindly offer to help them. They’re too stubborn to accept any help that is not their definition of help… and it’s taken me a bit to realize that. I’ve spent my month away from blogging and happily on alts. Though it’s not something I’m hiding anymore.. I do appreciate the few of you who have been clever enough to ask me. :p
2017 has taught me about the good and bad parts of escapism. You can’t make an alt to run away from an unhappy situation because you will still be unhappy. You will still lay your head on your pillow at night and wonder. You will feel bad, you will happily swallow your own dread just to make someone else happy. Because you love them, because they love you. But is it? Is love hiding parts of who you are just to avoid an argument.. or an awkward situation is that love? No, it’s not. It’s manipulative. I find many people I’ve surrounded myself with were manipulative and lied. Not to be mean.. but because of their own insecurities. I’ve learned it’s ok to move on. It’s ok to leave someone behind because they can’t begin to understand the depths of things you need. So here I am. In my early 20’s. A mess, I’m flawed.. I’m jealous and insecure. I’m possessive and demanding. But I’m learning to accept my faults. I’m learning to line my cracks with gold and not look at them not as something destructive. But something that’s part of me. I’m sorry I’ve hurt people, but I refuse to be the only one at fault here. People don’t mess up, they don’t hide from people if people haven’t done anything to them in return. No one is innocent. And no one deserves to have stones thrown at them. You need to respect yourself enough to clean up your own mess, swallow your pride and settle your own beef. You need to learn boundaries and accept a situation you caused.
Someone I love told me recently “I pity you because you will never know what it means to love someone.” I wish they knew how wrong they were. I wish they had the mental maturity and inner strength to realize making someone a bad guy just to move on from them is never a good thing. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve kept things I needed bottled up because I loved someone so much I was ok with putting my needs to the side to give them everything. I’m an electrical storm, and I needed someone with the inner strength of a glacier to not be scared by my roaring thunder. I needed someone who would not waver in love to not be afraid of me when they see my fire streak the sky. I will always be there for my friends when they need me. But I also need to be there for myself more from now on.
Crown-*10: 4 ~ Mesh ~ King Royal Crown Sold by: Irrepressible1
Hair-[INK] Hair___SERIOUS by nontroppo Torii
Ears-[MANDALA]STEKING_EARS_Season 5 by: kikunosuke Eel
Coat-MK formation coat by Mat Kungler
Skin-Xin by bold & beauty by Jourdan McMillan
Shape- my own not for sale
Body-tmp by theshops